17

que hago? a donde voy? quien soy? a quien me convierto? que creo? que crei? crear? creer? creemos lo que creamos? creimos lo que solo pensamos que creamos? culpable de creer...de querer creer que cree...que creiste en mi. que creaste en mi. en nosotros. creamos en nos. creimos en los dos. crecimos en los dos. a que creer que un nuevo nosotros podemos crear. o quizas ya lo somos. crees? ya somos nuevos. conocer que fuimos creados y recreados. a que recreer. y volver a conozer. querer reconocer. reencarnar el creer...el querer creer y crear o ayudar a crecer lo que siempre ha sido.

16

it's raining. it's beautiful. walked to japanese class. walked back. it's so quiet here. i really like the quiet. and with the rain, even quieter. was talking to my japanese teacher about american schooling. it was interesting. the whole concept of free schooling was so amazing to her. they have to pay for stuff here. it's not completely free like in the U.S. I tried to explain that we definitely pay a price and that although it's "free," it's far from equal. she seemed stunned.

15

touch me
but not with your hands
i can't stand the contradiction.

14

"I have a hoe
and i take it everywhere I go
Cuz I'm planning seeds so I reap what I sew, u know?"

13.

If you want truly to understand something, try to change it. Kurt Lewin (1890-1947) In 1946, social scientist Kurt Lewin launches the Research Center for Group Dynamics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. His contributions in change theory, action research, and action learning earn him the title of the "father of organization development." Lewin is renown for his field theory. The field theory is the "proposition that human behavior is the function of both the person and the environment: expressed in symbolic terms, B = f (P, E)." This means that one's behavior is related to both one's personal characteristics and to the social situation in which one finds oneself. Lewin is best known for his work in the field of organization behavior and the study of group dynamics. His research discovered that learning is best facilitated when there is a conflict between immediate concrete experience and detached analysis within the individual. His cycle of action, reflection, generalization, and testing is characteristic of experiential learning:

12

Saturday night was insane. went out to this bar in Utsunomiya called Ice Man. It wasn't in the "shady" part of town i wrote about before. This was in the downtown(?) part...i guess. Anyway. Ice Man was full of Americans getting their drink on. It could have been Columbus, Ohio, actually. 'Cept for the Japanese bartenders. Okay, so it wasn't all American people, but there were alot. I drank wine at a friend's place, (Chardonnay...Kanpai Traci-san! Thought about you!). The label, Evolucion. Perfect. Had me two glasses of those and we were on our way. (..."mackin' up brownies as we all cut em off at the pass"...sorry Lighter Shade of Brown moment...) Took a cab to Ice Man or tried to. Nuf and Michael kinda differed on their opinions of where this place was. We ended up kinda far, but finally made it. Walking. Okay the boys were walking, I...had some strut to my step. Nothing like a pair of boots to put some strut in your walk. Ii desu yo ne?

At Ice Man- I started shooting darts. These two white dudes, not sure where they were from, came in with Japanese lady friends and got in on my game. The guys let their girls shoot for them and it was on. I have to say, I shoot pretty good darts. Or at least, the Chardonnay told me so. I came in second ONLY because they cheated. I swear. I didn't hit the button after my first turn, so i missed those points. And the fuckers didn't tell me until afterward. I was giving props to one of the girls for shooting good and he was like, "you know...you'd be winning right now if you had tapped the button after your first round." I wanted to punch him. I can be competitive...believe it or not. (Hard to believe, I know!) These girls they were with were pretty interesting. One of them hugged me...A COUPLE TIMES. Like she wanted a little cuddle action, or something. It was interesting. I wondered why she would feel the urge and then just go ahead and hug up on me. I thought the Japanese were reserved! I guess not after a couple a drinks. And, from a theory I heard, maybe these women were paid to be friendly, if you know what I mean. I don't know how to feel about that. Why should we assume that? They were definitely friendly. Around my age. Gorgeous. Sexy. At least the one in the leopard print blouse. Yes, I said leopard print. She had that orange color hair, short bob. Totemo sexy desu ne? They were definitely not trashy. I wonder...

Anyway, i felt like drinking, so i go to the bar and ask for sake. What a lame ass, right? I mean, what else was I to drink? I didn't want beer. Wanted something Japanese. So, I asked...O-sake o onegaishimasu...The guy paused and then acted as if he didn't know what I was talking about. And then it hit me, maybe I'm not supposed to drink sake at a bar. I would've sipped it, but maybe he thought I'd take it like a shot. I thought to myself...Are you retarded Amerika-jin? Maybe I'm just like spitting on his culture, u know? He was beautiful though. He didn't make a look or make me feel stupid, just kinda pretended like he didn't understand. Then he says..."Tequira?" Fuck it. Hai! And I took a shot of tequira in Japan! I asked for salt and lime of course. If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this right. Don't know what kind it was, didn't care. I just thought that whole interaction was hilarious and interesting. (I told my Japanese teacher today about my interaction. I asked her if he was trying to save me some embarassment. She doesn't think so. Her theory is that he assumed I didn't want Sake because not too many young people like it. It's more like an older man's drink. Also, Sake can be referring to Liquor in general. And so, he might have been wanting more clarificiation....I see, said the blind one. Funny, how I thought something else...It's becoming more and more clear to me how I choose to see a certain reality, that i'm a student and everyone and everything is trying to teach me something...Hmm.)

After Ice Man, we went to a club called Birdland. Why is it called Birdland? Have no clue. I would love to know how that one came about. (..."With the birds I share this lonely view"?) So we get there and that's when it starts getting fuzzy. :) I remember dancing, though. Oh and they played that Nina Sky song...Oye Mi Canto. I just about flipped. You know I had to dance! I was dancing and a little grossness ruined it. Heard dudes whispering, "sexy.." Yuk. No matter where in the world you be, right? Can't a fool just watch a sistah dance? I understand dancing can be erotic, but it's also just rhythmic. Clean. Connecting your mind, body and spirit to a beat....The collective soul of all those on the dance floor connecting...I know it can be sexual, but why must some pervert this connection? Don't know....gonna let that one marinate. Also, on the dance floor, I noticed something interesting. Lots of non-white, non-Nihon-jin (Japanese). What's up with this? Immigrant population in Japan! Interesting. Saw a bunch of non-white, non Nihon-jin at the immigration office--some guys speaking Spanish, an Indian family..Here though, don't remember exactly. Just remember brown skin. My japanese teacher told me that they might be Pakistani...Peruvian...Brazilian...told you...this is where it got kinda fuzzy.

So I take a breath have a seat on a space of a long couch that lined a wall. Some guy next to me started trying to talk to me. Not, like hitting on me, just striking up a friendly conversation. It was hilarious. He using his English, I using my very limited Japanese. I looked around and realized I didn't recognize anybody. The Americans were gone! HA. Exchange emails with Takuya-san and went to the bathroom. Went upstairs...nothing. Went downstairs...nothing. My ass got left. At a club. Buzzed. IN JAPAN! I don't care what part of the world you from, you don't leave ur homie at the club, am I right? Whatev...Decided this should be a great experience. How the hell do I get home? Figured I could get by. Good thing I had some money in my pocket. Went outside the club and caught a takushi (taxi), but not after witnessing some dude just pissing on the street. Yup, just having a whizz. Apparently, that's common here. People understand a man's urge to go and they go. Saw it again the other day. Some dude just handling it on some cement pillar on a major street. No women using bathroom on the street, though. Thank you ladies. According to a Japanese teacher in San Francisco, the Japanese assume guys are vulgar and will show bad manners and women strive to be classy and lady-like. Let that one marinate, too.

So I get a takushi and sit inside. I'm about to handle this when all of a sudden I see one of the people I went with. I was happy to see her, but disappointed in a way, I wanted to see if I could do this by myself. Everything happens for a reason, right? Regardless, I decided I would give the guy directions. "Sanko Haitsu o onegaishimasu (Sanko Heights please)." He wasn't familiar with the apartment building so..."Yamada Denki no chikaku desu." (It's near Yamada Electronics)...and I added.."Otani no tonari desu.." (Next to Otani, a grocery store). We got home. Mission Accomplished.

I want to go to Birdland again. Sans tequila and observe some more. Wanna see how they dance here. Wanna see the club attire. Wanna see the way guys pick up on girls. Wanna see what the locals drink. I can't wait to order this drink called Calpis sour. :) Calpis is my new favorite drink. It tastes a little like liquid Pinkberry. A little. I bought it once at a Japanese grocery store in California. In the U.S they changed the named to Calpico. Can you guess why?

11

numbers playing tricks on me
to think i really didn't see.
what was really there?
i feared i'd never see
then rejoiced when it did be
affirmation abounded
saw all around me, surrounded
to think i really didn't see...
seems sacrilegious
i think i know what i must do
but, i fear
a fool
i want to know and see and feel
what is here.

10

i'm looking for a soft place to land

9

just got back from walking around the Utsunomiya with Kwan. we walked for about 4 hours. we walked straight down my street and to the river and kept going. went to Perco. talked alot. she confirmed, asian hair doesn't take to easily to blonde. i love that it resists. we kept talking about the future. plans. what we can do to take up our time and make our experience worthwhile. cooking classes? english tutoring? volunteering at the elementary schools? festivals to go and experience? we bought monthly calendars to keep track of all that is going on and want to take in. right now, for example, is apple season. we can go pick apples. sounds awesome. this mexican's gonna pick some fruit--for fun. ha. it's funny...i can't see past today. making plans just seems...futile. like i'm trying to catch light in my hand. like i'm trying to catch time. i can't see past today.

we walked by a temple. we walked in. there were grave stones, workers there. we walked out. i wasn't sure we could just up and walk in, but kwan said her japanese teacher said it was fine. regardless, we thought this one might be more of a cemetery. we kept walking, then i saw it. another temple. buddha calling me. i walked through the doors and sensed serenity. again, i felt like i was intruding. like i wasn't pure enough to walk in and be. and then it called to me. peace. Trees, Plants, yellow and orange Leaves on the ground. A groundskeeper was raking. He was wearing a sort of light blue wrap, like an everyday kimono. He had on some slippers and socks. i wanted to rake leaves with him. i wanted to walk no further and just stay there. rake leaves. sit. breathe, listen. purify. cleanse. be. buddha statues holding prayer beads. hand up. welcoming me. i felt welcome. i think i will go back. i wish that i could speak so that i can talk to him and make sure i'm not intruding, being disrespectful. make sure i follow protocol. make sure. but maybe, words just get in the way. maybe i need to stop talking for a while. and listen.

8

separation anxiety
is what im feeling
put on a happy face
gotta find my place
is what i'm thinking
put on a happy face
the world's too big
is what i'm noticing
put on a happy face
i could get lost
is what i'm fearing
put on a happy face
i could get lost
should i be hoping?
put on a happy face
have i overstayed my welcome?
shitsureishimashita
i'll go get lost, maybe
u'll find me
so deshita
i'll go get lost
maybe I will find me.

7

last night, Tuesday, we were out late. let me tell you, i found the shady part of town. i mentioned to nuf, "i'm the only one of my kind out here." there were no women walking the streets. all you saw was men in business suits, drunk or about to be. It's crazy. I saw three types of men. You got your "salary" man. Dressed in a suit. They're everywhere. Especially in this part of town. #2 You got your "thugs," I guess. Still havent' figured out their brand. But they kind of got that urban street vibe. Complete with bling on chains, baseball caps. #3 David Bowies. Yup, David Bowies. You got these dudes that dress like they're Japanese David Bowies. Like, back in the Labyrinth days. They're hair cut all emo and teased up. Some even have piercings. Their suits are cut real close to the body, their pants made skinny. So you got your business dudes, your thugs, and your David Bowies. All in this section of Utsunomiya. I saw two girls. Looked like they were hustlin'. I didn't make eye contact. I wanted to. I didn't want them to think i was judging them, tho. One was in this skirt suit. Ivory with black piping. Mmmm hmmm. Low cut, well by Japanese standards at least. Low enough to show her butterfly tattoo on her chest. Right in the middle, on her sternum. A butterfly in black ink. Wonder what she's up to? I wonder what they thought of me walking the streets with nuf and andy. I had on a pea coat, jeans and some sneakers. hands in pockets the whole time. My hair in a pony tail, big silver hoops. i wonder what they saw when they saw me. obviously not japanese. nuf, andy and i walked independently, i wonder what they thought i was doing out with these two dudes. there were so many bars/restaurants, yet you had like 50 men at this intersection. And 3 women. One was me. We walked around, nuf trying to find an un-shady place to sit and eat. we walked up the street a little, some man asked nuf if he was looking to get drunk, in japanese. he ignored him, we walked back down the street. i felt the hee bee jee bees. a shiver went down my spine. i don't know why. did i feel unsafe for the first time in Japan? Did i shiver to think that these men had wives and families and they were out, toiling the streets. Made no eye contact with men either. Didn't want attention, but I couldn't blend in.

We finally got into a place. Pretty seedy. Food was pretty bad, actually. Not the kind of place you envision in Japan. Think Tijuana. Cleaner, though. It just felt obnoxious. Like they cater to the obnoxious. those that do not care to see and feel and experience the real japan, yet outside its doors is real japan, right? those men, those girls, on a TUESDAY night, being shady. never expected that. not so explicitly anyway.

so there's this place called Super Girls. I'm told it's like a strip joint? maybe. not sure how that goes down over here. anyways. they don't let foreigners in. An american white guy tried to get in and they told him, "Japanese only." Isn't that interesting? I wonder why. Too disrespectful to the girls? Are they being protective? Right... Patriarchy. These are our women to exploit.

6

11.19.08
relief is a blessing
bestow upon me
now i can breathe
too early to bequeth emotion
going full force-locomotion
towards what's coming
a head on collision
let's let hearts collide
unwind the ribbon
that traps the mind.

5

second-guessing
more-is-lessing.
missing lessons?
constant doubting
run arounding
soul's ill-at-ease.
blood's 'bout to freeze.
but heart's still pumping
hear the thumping
wont-give-out
damn the doubt
no other route?
no short cuts
wait your turn
feel the burn
too far down
to turn around
point of no return
feel the burn
you went too far
should have known
you'd push your limit
should have known
you can't go back
to before
you can't return
now feel that-
burn.

4

11.18.08 pt. 3
the pain hurts me so
i want to let it go
thought u'd help me out in this
left to my own devices
is this what walking on thin ice is?
i know it'll be the death of me
but i can't help walking towards you
cracks continue
i feel the snaps
is it inevitable?
hurry Sun!
Melt the Ice away
bring the spring,
let us be born again
remember-- cry together
let the salty ness
thaw
let's be thought-less.
i'm thaw-less
the coldness
's got me
broken.

3

11.18.08 pt. 2

today i walked around the whole town basically. i met my new Japanese teacher, Mari-san. very nice person. i'm very happy to have met her and will undoubtedly learn more than just the language. isn't that always the case? we always learn more than what's intended. the implicit knowledge one does not seeks, but finds. i got my ALIEN REGISTRATION CARD. i guess i'm a LEGAL ALIEN. ain't that a trip? again, it made me think of my mom and all they did to get to the U.S. i would say they were pioneers, but that's got a certain colonialistic sound to it, doesn't it? mom and dad were the first in their family and friends to make the trip over. and not legally. why'd they make the leap? of course, i had so much help with a personal translator to find the right bus, at the city hall and immigration office, at the restaurant. they had hardly no help. at a time when everything wasn't translated in Spanish. why would they put themselves through so much ? what did they hope to gain? what did they lose? what will i gain? what will i lose?

i walked so much. i loved it. it seems there are so many things and people to see on every block and corner. i saw many older people, on bikes on the bus, or just walking. they seemed relaxed and i saw a pair of ladies talking about something that looked 'juicy'. too cute. i saw a bunch of women looking FABULOUS. i've spotted a couple with some shake to their walk. it was such a pleasure to see. it was so refreshing to see some confidence and sexiness just walking down the street. no pretenses, just being. no look at me, just--I IS. so many women just put together. classy. so many young girls doing their thing. funky, sexy, cool. their funkiness controlled and balanced. there was this one girl, short blonde hair. not blonde. like orange. i wonder if that was her intention or if it's the color that can take because of her original dark color. i see that orange everywhere. i like it. as if it's saying, nu uh...can't go to far too the other side, imperialism be damned--this kami will not go without a fight. i wonder. she had short hair peeking under a black crochet hat, had black long sleeve shirt, oversized knitted sweater, unbuttoned. black shorts. with black tights underneath. she had on black japanese versions of uggs. she had a tote bag on her right shoulder. struttin'. STRUTTIN'. "salary" men in suits walking up and down the street and she is struttin. looking straight ahead. where she going and what she 'bout to do? she looked focused man.

i went inside a mall-equivilent. i think it's called Perko. maybe. not sure. i'm trying to take in so much, i miss a syllable here and there. again, beauty all around me. i wanted to just sit and watch and observe. we sat down and had lunch. there was this waiter. he had on a beenie with the fuzzy ball on top. black. medium length hair peeking underneath. black long sleeve fitted tee. almost skinny jeans, highwaters and some black high top converse. and a tattoo on his neck. what's he all about? what does he feel when he sees the viejita permanently hunched from her work in the rice fields? what does he see when he looks in the mirror? it's interesting the story that clothes tell. what we choose to say with our costume. the world is a stage and every piece we choose--symbolic. even if the choosing wasn't deliberate. right now, that is the only language i understand.

i'm looking forward to more walking.

2

11.18.08
writing must be general
so as to not let you in..too much
so why pursue a public showcase?
is it loneliness i'm trying to fight?
my smoke signal to the world
to let you know i'm here.
so what of that...
why am i here?

1

11.14.08
don't want to play along
to get along
going along
never gets me far along
my road to...nirvana
going and getting
only serve as aiding and abetting
in the utmost henious crime
of which the penalty is HARD TIME
i'm doing time.
and i deserve it.
attempted murder of my soul
was it premeditated?
or an act committed in the heat of passion
an act commited in the cold
in the loss of passion
in getting along
so what came first?
i'm doing time for doing time
maybe i should let the Time do me.